bahAI kubo

by Maria Concepcion Pidelo-Ona

November - December 2008

My column will touch on the topic on how to survive the Japanese kindergarten, more specifically those who have chosen the public preschool system as the place for learning. While experiences among parents may vary among various public preschools scattered across Japan, I believe there still exists a commonality in the perceptions and experiences of foreigners who more or else have the same educational or cultural background.

This column is not about discussing the merits and demerits of the youchien (kindergarten) versus the hoikuen (daycare) as I would prefer to deal with the details of these different preschooling systems at a later issue of this paper. Instead, I prefer to discuss and inspire parents who have chosen the yochien for their kids. The youchien has harder demands on the parents and this column topic hopefully will serve as a lifeline or as a lifesaver as parents or more specifically, the foreign mother swims her way into the sea of challenges that youchien brings.

I have met a lot of mommy friends who've had "not-so-good" experiences and perceptions. There's one mother I knew who fled to her home country to escape the demanding routine of youchien and settled on her home country's preschool where differences in language and culture won't be much of a problem. There's another mother who halfway through the youchien year decided to change to the hoikuen as she felt she could not keep up to the demands of the youchien and she felt her relationship with the moms are driving her crazy. And still there's another mom in my regular email discussion group who continuously laments in her emails of how she always felt out of place and ignorant at school whereas she still decided to stay in the same youchien because she sees her daughter enjoying the company of new-found friends and teachers.

I'm sure a lot of moms out there would easily cough out a list of their own worries, anxieties and difficulties and the list would go on and on. I have survived my baptism of fire, the nen-chu (4-year old) year and now, my son is in his nen-cho (5-year old) year, his last year in preschool. In this column, I wish to share with the JP readers how I was able to stay afloat and keep me and my little boy happy so that there's less stress on the family and we can enjoy youchien and reap its huge language, social and cultural benefits.

First, I highly recommend what I consider to be MY BIBLE for keeping myself calm, peaceful, focused, understanding and happy -- the bestseller book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff" authored by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. The book contains simple ways to keep the little things from taking over our lives and keeps us from getting crazy. It is not only for those who have kids at youchien but for those who live highly stressful lives. I keep a copy of this book in my bathroom and I go over the book pages when I feel like am getting highly strung again or there's a lot of things going inside my head. I personally have watched many mothers in my son's playgroup, my family and circle of friends transform from being highly-neurotic moms to moms who've found inner peace after they've read, thought over and practiced what this book recommends.

Second, I am writing down here usual perception problems of foreign mothers and various ways to help her cope and handle different situations.

Situation 1: When I bring my child to school, there are some mothers who do not smile back at me when I smile at them. There are days when I feel like I do not exist at all.
How to handle and cope: Women specially mothers are very, very perceptive of body languages and facial expressions and somehow, these perceptions affect our moods and how we will go throughout our entire day. My advice is not to disregard these perceptions but rather treat them as not a big thing. Those women who smile at you, smile back at them. Those who don't, understand them. These moms may lack sleep from taking care of a sick child or a small one who wakes up several times at night so they do not have even the tiniest bit of energy to smile back. Do not mind these moms. Some of them may have more than one, two or three kids in the house so they won't bother to talk to a gaijin and waste their precious time translating and doing some thinking but they would rather like to "socialize" with someone who speaks the same language and share their mommy worries. Stop thinking about these women who are not so friendly. For all you know, they do not think about you and your feelings. So, do not waste your time and fill your head with negative thoughts. Use your time productively and think more positively.

Situation 2: At the school playground after school hours, while watching my child playing with other kids, everyone else talks with a friend. (SOB!) I am left alone with no one to talk to.
How to handle and cope: First, smile and breathe. I got good news for you. You are not the only mom who does not have anyone to talk to. Try looking around and be an observer. There are two kinds of mothers who are on their own with no one to talk to. The first kind who would rather not talk but would rather play with their kids and the second kind who yep, like you who does not have anyone to talk to. Now, try to think which one would you rather be again? The first or the second one... if you pick the second one, TSK, TSK, TSK, you are inviting self-pity to enter your life. Try being the other one, the busy mom on her own. If you do not like to play with your child, just watch him/her and be in the moment. Watch the blue skies, the kids around you, the wind, the leaves. Be an observer of sorts rather than a crybaby wishing there's somebody who would talk to you. The moment is there right infront of you. Grab it and embrace it rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

Situation 3: I feel like they talk about me behind my back.
How to handle and cope: Now, you know what it feels like to be Britney Spears or Nadia Montenegro who's now in the hot seat in Philippine showbiz. Seriously, if you are a gaijin, you are a youchien celebrity. And being a youchien celebrity, you are talked about all the time and you have to learn to deal with that. At least, you know now how it is to be a "local star". Now, how do stars handle their celebrity status? They try not to "overtalk" keeping comments to a minimum, neutral and not directed at other moms otherwise, you could be spawning a whole network of intrigues and enemies. Just smile a lot, nod when needed and do not give in to tricky questions posed by bitchy "reporter-type" of moms, if you know what I mean.

Situation 4: I got only one friend to talk to compared to my gaijin friend who boasts she's got lots of new mother friends at school.
How to handle and cope:
A veteran Japanese mother whose always been my great adviser on how to handle family and community affairs always tells me to be glad if I have two or three friends at school. There's so much pressure in keeping a lot of friends. Moms in big groups for all you know have more pressure around them because they have to adhere to the group. Count yourself lucky because you are free from group pressure.

Situation 5: I often make mistakes. I feel so stupid.
How to handle and cope: You are not the only one making mistakes. Japanese moms make mistakes, too. You are not the only one who the teacher reminds and calls on the phone. The first year at kindy is the toughest one (wrong thing inside the wrong bag) so forgive yourself. Sometimes, even the printed announcements are not properly understood by the moms themselves. Ask, ask, ask if there's something which is not clear. Ask the teacher preferably after the class not before the class when she has a lot of things on her mind. After the first year, you'd be an expert on which goes where and I bet that even if you are blindfolded, you can put the lunch box, fork, spoon and cup in the right bag, the room shoes in another bag and the smock, cap in still another bag, in just a minute or even less!

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The Positive Side of Being a Stay-at-Home
Parent in Japan  (First of a four-part series)

First Case: Pinoy Mom and Dad live in Japan. They have their first baby. Then, after a year another one follows. Then, after that, isa pa. Chances are, either Mom or Dad has to give up his/her job to stay at home and mind the kids while the other parent works. Pretty soon, the stay-at-home parent starts to get bored and fights with the working parent as soon as s/he gets home.

Second Case: Japanese Dad likes Pinoy Mom to stay at home with their first baby until baby turns three and wants to have another baby soon. The first three months, Pinoy Mom is okay with the idea but then a few months later, Mom pesters Dad every night to let her find work because she feels bored in the house with a baby and she wants to earn her own keep like her friends.

Can you relate to any one of these? Two different situations but very typical family situations in Japan. These two stay-at-home parents would like to get out of the house, to work, to escape from the burdens of childcare temporarily, to earn money and to have some sort of self-fulfillment such as getting a more “official” position in the office other than being a “housewife” or “houseband”.

But, what if it is really impossible to do all these for the time being? Then, the stay-at-home parent should take the next chance being offered rather than sulk or fighting it off with your spouse and dreaming about escaping elsewhere. Take note, nakakapagod rin makipag-away or mag-isip ng negative thoughts. Aside from adding more wrinkles to your face and adding more grey hair, it is a huge waste of time and energy. Plus, it can bring stress to your family. Although a double-income household is the “in” thing today, slowly, more and more couples are realizing that earning more money does not necessary translate to a happier and more stable family life. According to the Two Income Trap authored by Elizabeth Warren, “The combination of working and bringing up the kids makes for a more stressful home life and leaves the two-earner couple less time for each other.” Warren also adds that in the 1990s, a working wife was 40 percent more likely to divorce than her stay-at-home counterpart.

So, armed with these facts, if you are a stay-at-home parent, be glad because your decision (or your spouse’s) to stay at home can bring you a happier, relaxed home life. Wag magmukmok! Staying at home is just a temporary thing. Hindi pa “end of the world” for you. Maybe, a popular notion is that as a houseband or housewife, you just sit around, get fat, watch the kids, cook and wait for the working partner to come home. There are huge opportunities and rewards waiting for the stay-at-home parent. Look at the bright side! No tight deadlines, no strict bosses, walang pakialamerong colleagues at work, no need to stand on trains and buses for hours just to get to your workplace. How lucky can you get! The very things that cause physical and mental stress are eliminated! All you have to do is to enjoy your freedom to stay at home with your kids and think about the choices which can help you to earn some money or train in a skill that will come in handy if ever you decide to set up your own home-based business or go back to join the workforce in the future.

I’ve written here some suggestions for you to do so you can keep yourself (and your kids too) mentally, emotionally and physically active para ‘wag maburo at maging mainitin ang ulo.

1. Aim to make yourself and your kids multilinguals and multicultural.
2. Do homeschooling.
3. Join playgroups or if there are none in your area, start one.
4. Start a mini-daycare business in your home.

In the succeeding issues, I will explain each one of these so you can become a productive stay-at-home parent. 


 

September-October 2007

The Positive Side of Being a Stay-at-Home
Parent in Japan  (Second of a four-part series)

November-December 2007
The Positive Side of Being a Stay-at-Home
Parent in Japan  (THIRD of a four-part series)
DO HOMESCHOOLING. There was a time when I wanted so much to put my son into an international school but I think if we did, we won't be eating anymore. Since, I have always been interested in child education, I started reading on home-schooling and started practicing it. In home-schooling, the parent is the teacher. Mahirap nga but I can assure you that all I have invested in the education of my son is my patience and my time. At halos dalawang lapad lang for buying his Kumon and Gakken workbooks and his English and Filipino storybooks. We borrow from the local library other English books and Japanese books we need. We started formally homeschooling when he was around two and now that he's going to yochien, we are still doing homeschooling which we now call after-schooling. We are hooked on it because we can see how much progress he has made.

Homeschooling, at its best is one-on-one teaching which makes it almost 100 percent easier for learning and communication to take place between the student and the parent-teacher. It has a huge advantage over a classroom setting where the chance to learn gets smaller and smaller and quality of teaching drops as class size gets bigger and bigger. My son is now starting to read at four and he continues to amaze us with his sharp, mental abilities. I have heard of kids younger than my son who are reading because one or both parents homeschool them. A parent need not have an education degree to do homeschooling. Kahit hindi ka tapos ng college, you can do it. All you need, as I said is a lot of patience, the will to homeschool frequently and consistently. Ika nga sa ating wika, 'pasensya at tiyaga ang puhunan, meron ng nilaga.' Homeschooling has been done since time immemorial. Itanong nyo ke lola or lolo at sasabihin nila eh, nun pang panahon ni Kopong-kopong yan ginagawa. If we check our history books, our national hero Jose Rizal's first teacher was his mother. Homeschooled rin pala si Rizal.

Nowadays, more and more parents specially in the US are opting to homeschool because they do not trust the public school education system to inculcate the kind of values they want their kids to have and private schools have become too costly.

Homeschoolers have been known to be high achievers. Take note of Joseph Heneras, son of Pinoy parents who have migrated to the US. He won the back-to-school edition of Jeopardy in 2005 and also became one of the top five contenders among 286 hopefuls in a national
spelling bee competition in the US this year. His mom quit her job as an actuary and homeschooled fulltime Joseph and her two other siblings. Another homeschooled Fil-Am girl who is now one of the hottest celebrities in the US is Vanessa Anne Hudgens, the star of the Disney movie, High School Musical. 

In Japan, more and more foreigners including Filipino-Japanese families and purely Japanese
Christian families are also homeschooling exclusively or doing afterschooling. Those who exclusively homeschool do it for the following reasons: (1) they have had a bad experience of bullying in schools, (2) parents believe they can be better teachers than their children's teachers at school and (3) they can guard against their kids picking up wrong values from their peers. Those who do afterschooling do it mostly to supplement with what parents think is lacking in the training of their kids at school - more often, English communication skills. Rather than pay a teacher to teach their kids, parents think they can do better in training their kids to be more proficient in English.

In the Philippines, home-schooling is also gaining popularity. Bukod sa mahal ang tuition sa mga good, private schools, isang malaking kalaban sa atin ang traffic at baha, kaya kawawa ang mga bata. I will give more updates on homeschooling in my future write-ups.

As you read this, it is very obvious na bilib na bilib ako sa homeschooling because I could go on and on about it. I have seen the intellectual impact andstrong emotional bonding it has created in my family. Aside from these advantages, it is also a good training ground if the stay-at-home parent decides to set-up a pre-school or start a private tutoring business in the future.

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January - February 2008
The Positive Side of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent in Japan  (last of a four-part series)

JOIN PLAYGROUPS OR START ONE. When a parent has a little one to take care of, it is most likely that you will feel a little alienated from the rest of the world. Social alienation is commonly experienced by stay-at-home parents specially here in Japan. If a Filipino family lives near your place, at least you have somebody to talk to. But, what if you don't have Pinoy friends around to share your worries, anxieties and experiences on child care and life here. It is not practical to keep on calling your family in the Philippines everyday just to have someone to talk to. Baka maging stockholder ka na ng mga international calling services like KDDI!

A possible solution is to join a playgroup. A playgroup is run by a local institution such as a church, a village elders association or run by parents.  In a playgroup, kids can learn to socialize and take part in simple activities like singing, listening to stories, playing games or just simply doing free play. Parents take turns in running duties at playgroup. The good thing about playgroups is that parents can socialize with other parents so they can share their experiences and ask each other for advice on child care.

There are Japanese play-groups at your local kindergarten which you can join (which charges very, very reasonable rates) or in some areas in Japan, there are international English playgroups such as the one we have in Nagoya where my son and I are active members. If you do not have one in your area, create one. When my son was one and half years old, I started and coordinated a bilingual playgroup with some Japanese mothers and their kids whom we regularly met at a park near our home.

I rented out a community center and we meet there once a week to sing songs, play games, do storytelling and share our snacks. We even had Valentine and Halloween parties. We contributed money for the kids' food, rental of the center and paid for whoever was teacher-in-charge for a session. The mothers had fun putting their creative skills to work (one mom even had snacks served on origami-crafted boxes) and our kids had friends to play with. The good thing is that my son was happy all throughout that long winter season and we were not stuck at home and getting bored.

START A MINI-DAY CARE AT HOME. I watched a movie  called Daddy Day Care which featured a dad, Eddie Murphy who got fired from work along with a male colleague who, like him, had a preschooler. They were bored staying at home and so were their kids. The two of them started offering day care services to working moms instead of finding  fulltime jobs. Parents liked their day-care a lot and pulled out their kids from a very expensive pre-school and enrolled them at Daddy Day Care because the moms felt that this daycare had so much more to offer. Kids were learning and having fun at the same time.

This does not happen just in the movie but I know that some Pinoy moms who want to earn some money take care of kids whose moms work at night. The good thing about this is that your kids have another friend to play with and you are earning money as well. The bad side is the responsibility that goes with it in case something bad happens, i.e. the child you are taking care of has a high fever all of a sudden or cries non-stop and nothing you do will make him stop. Just make sure you have the mom's contact numbers in case of an emergency and you draw out some clear guidelines on what you can do and cannot do as the child's nanny and of course, more importantly, the payment scheme. A written contract will be helpful with a third party as witness. After interviewing some Pinays who operate a "mini-daycare" at home, the going rate is Y50,000-80,000 per child per month. The rate could vary depending on how long the child will stay with you, if it's everyday, thrice a week or once a week.

I've written a lot here but to make it easier for you, these are your choices given your current situation as a stay-at-home parent:

(1) I do not need to earn money now but would like to take care of my child until he can go to school and I'd like to work on learning some skills which might help me find a job in the future --- Do multi-lingual homeschooling.

(2) I just need some money to get by but would like to take care of my child - Start a paid English playgroup once or twice a  week with your child.

(3) I need lots of money but would like to take care of my child - Start a day or night daycare.

Staying at home is not at all that bad. One just needs to be creative so you can enjoy the time with your child, earn some money and learn some new skills. Think of your staying at home as more of an opportunity for you and learn to accept it as an integral part of your life and as your destiny for the time-being. Yes, having a one-income family wouldn't be financially as rewarding as with two partners working but essentially,  you are investing on a longer-term project - having a healthy, secure, and emotionally-stable family life which would not be possible if both you and your partner are out there working. Let our own families not be counted as another statistic in the number of divorced families, in the number of juvenile delinquents or in the number of teenage marriages. Make that best, single decision in your life. Be a stay-at-home parent and reap the huge benefits it brings.